The Cost Of Love And Sanity Read online

  Alex returned his smile. “That’s great news.”

  “How’s everything going on your end?” Dan asked.

  “It’s moving. The call center reps are going to send me a list of candidates every day and I’m going to meet with them tomorrow morning to make sure they understand what we’re looking for,” Alex said.

  “Oh. Need any help?”

  “No. I’m pretty sure I’ve got it covered. The hardest part was getting the companies on board. Now that they are signed up things should work out fine.”

  “Good.” Dan nodded.

  An uncomfortable silence lingered in the room. Alex began to tap her pen in her hand. To the outside person, their unease would appear to come from nowhere but, for Alex, the cause for it was quite apparent. Besides Dan’s little outburst about his divorce woes, they’d never had much to say to each other outside of work but this was different. They were actually cordial, which meant they should be able to engage in conversation about their lives, in general—a difficult task for Alex.

  She was so used to separating her personal and professional life she didn’t know how to approach chit-chatting at work. She really didn’t trust anyone with her personal information. Alex had no time for gossip and preferred not to be the subject of it.

  In this instance, Alex didn’t fear Dan gossiping about her; she really wanted to ask him questions about his life, particularly his child. Since she wanted to have a child sometime in the near future, she wanted to ask him about his experiences and routine. How did he balance a kid and work? Just start talking Alex.

  She cleared her throat. “So, how is everything else?”

  “It’s going.”

  “How’s your child?” Alex cringed inside. That didn’t sound normal to her.

  “She’s fine. I talked to her yesterday. She’s looking forward to seeing a puppet show with me,” Dan said.

  She smiled and leaned forward. “Cute. How old is she?”

  “Six going on thirty.”

  “Uh oh. Sounds like you have your hands full.” Alex chuckled.

  “Oh, yeah. A couple of weeks ago, she told me she wants to be an astronaut and a chef.”

  Alex raised an eyebrow. “Ambitious. Wants it all. My kinda girl.”

  He shook his head. “You women are all the same. You always want it all.”

  “I resent that.” She eyed Dan. “Is it hard relating to a girl?”

  “I’ll put it this way. She keeps me on my toes.”

  “Did you always want to be a father?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t give it much thought until after it happened.” Dan cocked his head to the side. “Are you planning to have a kid?”

  Aware of all of her questions, she suddenly became self-conscious. Alex wanted it to be a conversation, not an interrogation. She leaned back into her chair and swatted his question away. “No. I think it’s great that you have such a close relationship with your daughter.”

  Dan nodded but eyed her with a hint of suspicion. “Oh, okay. Well, let me get back to work. Call me if you need anything.

  He stood up and exited Alex’s office. Like many others, having a child “happened” for Dan. Meanwhile, she hadn’t been so lucky. Maybe that will change now. She and Nathan seemed to be back on track. Whenever she thought about him, she had a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. She felt good about the direction they were headed. They might have a chance at marriage and kids. Although it had become her habit to avoid placing bets before she saw all the cards, she really wanted to believe that this time would be different because it simply had to be.

  CHAPTER 22

  On a lazy Saturday afternoon, Alex vacuumed her living room and dining room. She didn’t feel like it but it was time to do so. Amidst the loud noise of the vacuum, she used that time to think. Alex told herself she would run over the tasks she needed to complete for the job fair but her mind ended up wondering about Nathan.

  It hadn’t been that long since they’d gotten back together but she wondered if he’d thought about marriage. She remembered considering it the first time they dated but, after the party fiasco, she obviously changed her mind. Nathan had so many qualities that appealed to her. Qualities that made her feel safe and loved. She hated to admit it but she hadn’t found anyone else that made her feel that way.

  Alex imagined being married to him. Life would be easier. She’d have a man around the house to help with things. That would make her mother happy. She would also be done with going on date after date only to find that the man was rude, a deadbeat or chauvinistic. Or even more she’d have no chemistry with him. That was the hardest for her. With Nathan, she’d have the emotional support and compatibility she couldn’t seem to find anywhere else.

  The doorbell rang and interrupted her thoughts. Alex shut off the vacuum. When she approached the door and peered through her peephole, she saw Nathan. She smiled wide.

  “Hey,” Alex said, when she opened the door.

  “Hey.” Nathan stepped into her foyer and gave her a hug and a kiss.

  Alex could feel heat rush to her face. She briefly dropped her head for fear that he could see or feel it.

  “I wanna take you somewhere,” Nathan said.

  “Where?”

  “It’s a surprise,” Nathan said.

  Alex looked down at her sweatpants and T-shirt. “How will I know what to wear?”

  After a short pause, Nathan said, “Dress comfortably. Not this comfortably.”

  She sucked her teeth. Nathan laughed.

  “You’re not gonna do something crazy like take me hiking, are you?”

  He laughed. “No, but trust me.”

  “Okay.”

  They walked down the hall. Nathan went into her living room and flipped the television to ESPN. Alex proceeded upstairs to find something to wear. She lucked out with a green sleeveless, V-neck romper. She topped it off with silver sandals and a green bracelet. After swooping her hair into an updo, she trotted back downstairs to find Nathan engrossed in the day’s sports scores.

  “Are you ready?” Alex asked standing beside him.

  Nathan did a double-take. “You look great. Perfect.” He rubbed her leg. “Can I finish watching this one part right here? It’ll only be three minutes.”

  Alex shrugged and sat down on the couch adjacent to him. Three minutes turned into fifteen minutes. Every update led to another one. Finally, she stood up.

  “Either we are going or I’m going to go back upstairs and change back into my sweatpants,” Alex said, placing her hand on her hip.

  His eyes widened. “Okay, okay.” He reached for the remote and cut the television off. Alex grabbed a sweater and set her alarm.

  Once they were in the car, Nathan pulled on his sunglasses. They pulled out of her driveway and rode down the street. “So, where did you say we were going again?” Alex asked.

  “I told you, it’s a surprise,” Nathan said.

  “Can’t I get a hint?”

  “Look behind you.”

  She glanced at the backseat and saw a blanket, some champagne and a basket. She smiled.

  “A picnic,” she said. “That still doesn’t tell me where.”

  He looked at her over his sunglasses.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Do you not know the meaning of surprise?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “What is it?” He turned his full attention back to the road.

  “It means to do something for someone that is unexpected.”

  “Good answer. Now you know why I can’t tell you,” Nathan said. “On another note, how’s everything going at work?”

  “Great. Seven companies have signed on for the fair and my call center staff is scheduling candidates to participate. It even looks like we’re going to get some press for it,” Alex said.

  “That is great. And how are things with the guy you said you had trouble working with?”

  “Dan? Yes, it’s much better now. We are actually able
to get along.”

  “Oh. What changed that?”

  “Well, I took your and my boss’s advice. After that meeting that went bad, I went to him and apologized and showed him a list of things we needed to do. He took it well. We divided everything up and our interactions have been good ever since.”

  Nathan nodded. “I’m glad I could help. My bill will be in the mail next week.”

  “And I’ll be sending it right back to you.”

  They both laughed.

  She sighed. “But seriously, I do want to thank you for listening to me. I really appreciate it.”

  “Anytime.” Nathan squeezed her hand.

  When they approached their destination, Alex could see that Nathan had kept his promise; he didn’t take her hiking but nature did factor into their day out. He pulled up to a park overlooking the St. Johnson’s River. Once he put the car in park, he jumped out and opened the car door for Alex. He then reached into the back seat to pick up the picnic basket.

  There was only a subtle breeze floating off the large trees. The contrast from the usual February chill offered a preview of Spring. The leaves had already begun their transition from dusty brown to lush green.

  As the sun peered between the trees, Alex removed her sweater and opened the car door to place it back inside. Her sleeveless outfit bared her toned arms.

  They found a place to sit and spread out a blanket to set their utensils out. While she helped him, Alex marveled at Nathan as he set out the silverware and napkins in order. They used to go out on picnics but she didn’t remember him being this meticulous about them before.

  Nathan caught her staring at him. “What?”

  “Nothing. Watching you fuss over the silverware. I don’t remember you being so detailed about it,” Alex said.

  “I think you’re worth the extra effort, don’t you?” He winked.

  Alex tooted her lips upward.

  Nathan sat down across from her. “Besides, I like doing things for you.”

  He reached into the basket and pulled out a bottle of champagne and two long stem glasses. He filled one glass and handed it to her. Then, he filled his glass halfway and set the bottle down.

  “Why didn’t you fill your glass all the way?” Alex asked, eyeing him.

  “I thought I would graciously let you have most of the bottle in case you wanted to really throw down.”

  “I don’t drink that much.”

  Nathan held up his glass. “I want to make a toast to a wonderful woman who continues to make great strides in her career. Alex, you can never be replaced.”

  She smiled and they clinked glasses. They both took a sip.

  Nathan put his glass down. “So, besides knocking them dead at the office, what have you been up to?”

  “Oh, not much.”

  “You don’t hang out with your family? How’s your mother?”

  “The same.”

  “Aww.” He chuckled.

  “She recently dragged me to my cousin’s baby shower.”

  “How was it?” he asked.

  She sucked her teeth. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

  He frowned. “Why?” Nathan crawled next to her and stretched his legs out.

  “Because it was rowdy. There was an argument, someone threatened to call the police.”

  “Police? Nobody got hurt, did they?”

  “No. They made a lot of noise. That’s all.” Alex took a sip of her champagne. “I spent part of the time talking to my cousin’s husband.”

  Nathan reached into the basket and handed Alex her ham and cheese sandwich on wheat bread. “How did you…?” Alex asked.

  “I remember.” He smiled at her. Nathan reached in and grabbed his turkey sandwich. He unwrapped it and picked back up with his questions. “What did you guys talk about?”

  Alex didn’t know how to explain her conversation with Gerard. She remembered how he had told her to be cautious with Nathan. Technically, he was only looking out for her best interest but she still didn’t know how he would take it. She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

  “Why?”

  She rubbed her arm. “Because he wasn’t exactly convinced you would be good for me.”

  Nathan raised an eyebrow. “What? Okay.” He sat his sandwich back down. “Start from the top.”

  She sighed. “He asked me if I was seeing anyone lately and I mentioned you.”

  He smiled. “That’s good. Go on.”

  “Well, I told him that we were just reconnecting. He inquired why we broke up in the first place and I shouldn’t have, but I told him what happened. He told me to be careful about you.”

  Nathan placed his hand over hers and nodded. “Alex, I understand where he’s coming from.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes. I commend him. He’s only trying to look out for you. With that said…” Nathan moved his finger under her chin and gazed into her eyes. “All I want to do is love you. That’s it. I have no ulterior motives.”

  A warm feeling rose within her. She loved it and hated it when he said things like that. It felt like a dream come true for him to say that he wanted to love her. She hoped those words were the truth. Her future with him depended on it. She shivered at the breeze that hit her.

  He put his arm around her. “Are you okay?”

  Alex nodded. “Yes.” She knew what she wanted to say next but she struggled with the words. “It’s just that. Contrary to my family’s belief, I want to be a wife and a mother in addition to being a career woman.” A simple declaration, simple desire yet somehow she couldn’t resist the shame of even wanting those things, especially at this point in her life. She sometimes wondered if she were supposed to accept the life she’d been leading as her fate and dismiss her dreams of love and motherhood. “It’s only getting later in the game but I don’t think it’s too late. I could do it and do it well,” she said, hitting her fist on her thigh for emphasis.

  “Sure you could.”

  “You think so?” Alex asked. She stared into his eyes trying to determine his sincerity.

  “I know so. Okay? You’re smart and capable. Any man would be lucky to have you as a wife and any child would be happy to have you as a mother.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I wish someone would tell my mother that.”

  “Hey. Don’t let it get to you. You decide what you want out of life and you make it happen. No one can decide what will happen for you.”

  “That’s what Izzy keeps telling me.”

  “Izzy! How is that girl?” Nathan asked, laughing.

  “She’s good. Her usual optimistic self.” Alex smiled.

  “Well, you should consider what she’s telling you and stop letting other people’s opinions bother you.” He snapped his fingers. “I know what you need.”

  “What?”

  “A distraction. My friend is performing at Spears later this week. Why don’t you come with me?”

  “Never heard of that place,” She shrugged. “But I guess I’ll come.”

  “Great. And as far as everything else, let me know when you’re ready to knock out that baby.”

  Alex laughed and playfully pushed Nathan away. She couldn’t believe how things had progressed. A couple of months ago, she had broken up with Phillip—a bad match for her—now she sat in a park next to Nathan—an ex she’d written off years ago. She marveled at the way things had changed in such a short period of time.

  “I’m hoping my husband will take care of that. Thank you.”

  “So am I,” he said, reaching for his glass to take a swig. “So am I.”

  CHAPTER 23

  Alex was growing tired of seeing her dishes stare back at her. Out of shear willpower, she ran water into the sink and poured dish detergent in it. As she dumped some plates and pans in there, it dawned on her that it had been a little while since she’d talked to her best friend. I’d better call and check on her.

&nb
sp; She dialed Izzy’s number and waited for an answer.

  “Hello?” Izzy said.

  “Hey! How you been?”

  “Oh. You know. Dealing with kids and a new job. How have you been? I thought you’d disappeared off the earth.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been swamped at work,” Alex said. She really felt bad that she’d deserted her friend.

  “Among other things. How’s it going with Nathan?”

  “Pretty good. By the way, he says hi.”

  “So, have you two set a wedding date yet?”

  “Ha ha. Very funny.”

  “All right now. You think I’m joking. Watch what I tell you. He’ll be popping the question any day now.”

  “I don’t know about all of that but we are off to a great start,” Alex said. She turned off the faucet and grabbed the dishcloth.

  “What’s the problem? Don’t you want something more with him?”

  “Of course, Izzy. I would love to be married to him and have a child with him.”

  “Wow.”

  “What?” Alex stopped washing a cup.

  “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you admit to wanting to marry and have kids with Nathan.”

  “So?”

  “That is a major breakthrough.”

  Alex sucked her teeth.

  “It really is. You guys really must be hitting it off.”

  “Well, yeah. There’s that and the fact that I don’t have forever. I’m only getting older. I need to get clear about what I want and start to move toward it. I want to marry. I want kids.”

  It took a lot for Alex to admit out loud that she wanted her relationship with Nathan to evolve into marriage. She wouldn’t say it if she didn’t feel like the sentiment wasn’t mutual. With the way he’d been treating her, she figured he had to feel the same way.

  “I hear you and you’ll get it with Nathan. I joke a lot but I really do feel like he’s the one. You’re about to get exactly what you want.”

  “I hope so.”

  •••

  Five floors up, Alex’s office flaunted a wide view of the city’s hustle and bustle. Like every weekday afternoon, cars sped down the highway to and fro but Alex remained transfixed on the hills in the distance. Their majestic serenity called to her through her window. She smiled. I wonder what Nathan is doing now. Shaking her head back and forth, Alex spun around in her chair and willed her brain to return back to the call center’s list. She and Dan were supposed to meet with Mr. Sims again at 9:45 a.m. She tapped her pen on the desk while she scanned her notes and the names of potential candidates for the job fair. After Alex arranged for the call center to send her a daily list of their candidates, the numbers improved. They were now almost up to four hundred.