The Cost Of Love And Sanity Read online

  Picking up her belongings, Alex headed for the first floor, happy for an end to a frustrating work day. When she passed the break room, Dan walked out. He stopped short after he saw her.

  “Hello, there.”

  “Hello, Dan. How have you been?” Times like these, Alex wished she could have cut him dead as opposed to maintaining her professional disposition. Talking to him felt like such a waste of time.

  “I’m great!” Dan said. “Have you started working on improving the numbers yet?”

  “Yes, I have.”

  “I already have a couple of ideas underway myself. It’s gonna go so well that they’re gonna give me a promotion.” He smirked and stuffed his hands in his khaki pockets.

  “Good for you. Well, I need to get going now. Nice talking to you.” Not.

  Alex trotted out of the building to her car and dashed down the street. She turned up her radio and rolled the window down, allowing the sounds of the wind and the music to drown out the concerns of her day. She looked forward to meeting up with Izzy. They hadn’t talked since New Year’s Eve and Alex sure could use her friend’s stubborn optimism. After passing the churches and hair salons aligning Washington Street, Alex pulled into Terrace Springs, a gated apartment complex. When she punched in a code, the gates opened for her. Upon driving past the familiar brick buildings, she pulled up to the eighth one, walked through the glass door and up the carpeted stairs.

  The sound of screaming little girls emanated from Izzy’s apartment door. Alex rang the doorbell and covered her ears. After a few shuffled steps, Izzy opened the door in a brown colored, peasant skirt and a turquoise and brown blouse that exposed her shoulders. A brown scarf tamed her wild, curly hair.

  “Hey!” Wide-eyed, Izzy reached out to hug Alex.

  “Hey! What cha up to?”

  “Trying to keep up with these girls.”

  With her arm still around Alex, Izzy led her into the apartment. Alex scanned the living room. The coffee table had been moved to the side to accommodate coloring books, watercolors and crayons. A scooter leaned against the window and doll clothes were scattered around it on the floor.

  “Are you sure they’re not trying to keep up with you?” Alex asked.

  Izzy chuckled. “No, girl. I think they got me beat.”

  The girls shot out of the kitchen like bullets from a gun—one chasing the other.

  “Hey! Stop all that running.”

  They screeched to a halt as they saw their mother had company. “Hi, Auntie Alex,” they said in unison. They went up to give her a hug.

  “Hey, girls. What ya’ll doing today? Being bad.”

  “She is,” Izzy’s oldest daughter, Maya, said.

  “Na uh,” her sister, Kelis said, pushing Maya.

  “Okay. That’s enough of that,” Izzy said to the girls.

  “I have an idea. Why don’t we go to the park for awhile and stretch out?” Alex asked.

  “Yay!” Maya and Kelis cheered and danced around the living room.

  “Okay, okay. You guys go get your jackets,” Izzy said to the girls who dashed back around the corner.

  The four of them packed into Alex’s car for a noisy ride to Helmsman Park. When they arrived and stepped out of the car, the soft breeze caused a slight chill in the air. Maya and Kelis raced for the jungle gym, while the two women sat on the swings to talk.

  “You know, Kelis has a little boyfriend at school.” Izzy chuckled.

  Alex’s eyes widened. “What? Who?”

  Izzy smiled and nodded toward her daughter. “Kelis? What’s your boyfriend’s name?”

  The little girl stood at the top of the jungle gym and put her hands on her hips. “Warren.”

  Izzy laughed. Alex shook her head. “Where did the time go? It seemed like yesterday I was changing her diapers. Now, she has a boyfriend.”

  “I know, right.”

  “It’s scary.”

  “Why? It’s a part of life. They all grow up.” Izzy turned to her friend. “Don’t tell me this is why you haven’t had kids.”

  “No. I want kids. Just haven’t had them yet.”

  “Really?” Izzy wrapped both her hands around the chain on the swing. “Well, what are you waiting on?”

  Alex frowned. “A man.”

  “Is that all?”

  “Well, that’s usually how the reproductive process works.”

  Izzy tooted her lips up at Alex. “Yeah, you had one of those.”

  “And he was a jerk. I need someone permanent in my life to help me raise my children. I want the right man for me.”

  Izzy tossed her head back and laughed. “Girl, if I had waited for the right man, I wouldn’t have those two beautiful little creatures over there. And though they are a handful and I have very little help from their fathers, I would never regret them.”

  Alex sighed. “As you shouldn’t.” She glanced over at the two girls fighting over who would go down the slide first. “But I want to marry. I want the whole thing. I want the kids and a husband who I adore and who adores me. Is that so wrong?”

  “No, it’s not. Listen, when I met Carlos, I thought he was it. We were going to get married, have kids and live in a house with a white picket fence. I even had the date picked out.”

  “You were really in to him.”

  Izzy nodded. “Yes, but two years in, I realized he wasn’t ever going to marry me. He still wanted to hang out with his friends, run around. I had to move on so I could find someone else.”

  “That’s great. No matter what, you stayed optimistic.”

  “Only because I knew that even though I didn’t get what I wanted then, things would still work out.”

  “So, does this mean that you’re going to settle now?” Alex asked.

  Izzy shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Depends on what I want at the time.”

  Alex shook her head. “That doesn’t sit well with me.”

  “But what if you don’t get your husband wrapped up in a neat little bow? What if you find a guy who is nice and a good father but you don’t have that ‘adoring’ feeling for him? Can you live with that?”

  Alex pressed her lips together. It’s a thought that she’d considered too many times and she’d always come to the same conclusion. No. She couldn’t imagine life with someone who was an “okay” choice at the time. The day in and day out of interacting with someone that she had nothing in common with or didn’t really love made her want to give up on the relationship before it even started. On the other hand, she often wondered if she was being unrealistic. Maybe she didn’t really need to adore someone. Maybe she could be with someone who respected her, treated her right and that’s it. In that case, she might have to settle, so she could have the home she hoped for.

  She frowned at the thought of living that type of lie. Izzy caught her frowning.

  “Who am I kidding? You always get what you want.” Izzy bumped Alex.

  “Yeah, right.”

  “No. Let’s think this through. Do you have any irons in the fire now?”

  Suddenly, Alex remembered Nathan. Butterflies danced around her stomach before she could utter his name. She planned to tell Izzy but now she hesitated. She didn’t want to make him sound like he was a prospect; he hadn’t even called her yet. Knowing Izzy’s overactive imagination, she would have them married next month but Alex bit her lip and told her anyway.

  “Not really.” She took a deep breath. “I did run into Nathan yesterday, though.”

  “Nathan?”

  “You remember him. The guy I dated a decade ago?”

  Izzy’s eyes shot open like she’d swallowed a hot chili pepper. “Oh! Him! Yeah, I remember. He was nice. What did you guys talk about?”

  “Where we work, so on and so forth.”

  “Is he married?”

  “No.”

  “Did you tell him you weren’t either?”

  Alex sensed where this was going. “Yes.”

  Izzy nodded. “Did he give you his number?”<
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  “No.” Alex shot back.

  “Did you give him yours?” Izzy leaned over.

  “What’s the point of these questions?!”

  Izzy laughed so loud her daughters momentarily turned in her direction. “I knew it!”

  “You knew what?”

  “The second you said you ran into him. I knew he was gonna ask for your number and you would give it to him.”

  “How did you know that?”

  Izzy smiled wide. “It was a hunch.”

  Alex rolled her eyes. “Well, don’t get too excited. He hasn’t called yet.”

  “So, you are waiting for his call?” Izzy raised her eyebrow.

  Alex threw up her hands. “Forget it!”

  “Oh, c’mon. I’m kidding. It’s okay to want him to call you. What happened was ten years ago. Both of you have grown and the fact neither of you are married may be a sign.”

  “A sign of what?”

  “A sign from God that this may be a relationship worth revisiting.”

  Ugh. Here we go. “Izzy, it is not a sign.”

  “How do you know? For all you know Nathan could see you as the one that got away. He did ask for your number.”

  “Yes, he did but—“

  “See? He wants to rekindle the relationship. Alex, this could change everything.” Izzy’s breathing quickened.

  “This changes nothing. All I did was give him my number.”

  “And he took it. He wants something else and so do you. The man has a plan.”

  “Let’s drop it.” Alex didn’t know why she tried explaining this to Izzy. She’d have better luck talking to the ocean. No matter what Alex said Izzy continued to flow her own way and romanticize this whole scenario—the opposite of what she wanted. Although she would like for Nathan to call her, she also needed to keep her head on straight. No use making mountains out of ant beds.

  Surely, Nathan had changed. Besides growing older, he had new responsibilities but she had no way of knowing if a relationship between them would develop now. He hadn’t called her yet. So, she couldn’t see any solid proof that he wanted to rebuild their relationship. She preferred to focus on that reality.

  Alex faced Maya and Kelis as they ran up to her and Izzy.

  “Mama, can we go get some ice cream?” Maya asked.

  “Sure, Hon. Let’s go.” Izzy stood up and the two sisters began debating the kind of ice cream they would choose. Izzy turned back to Alex.

  “You know what your problem is?” Izzy asked.

  Alex raised her eyebrow.

  “You’re afraid to believe. You have to believe your life is going to change. You have to believe this is going to be different. Even though I’ve had my share of man problems, I enter each new relationship with a clean slate, determined to believe the best will come from it. You have to do the same thing, Alex. If you don’t think anything good will come out of it,” Izzy shrugged, “nothing will.” She faced her daughters. “C’mon, girls. Race you to the car.”

  While Izzy ran lightly behind her daughters toward the car, Alex sat on the swing, pondering her words. Could it really be that simple? Had she asked for something she didn’t even believe she could have?

  CHAPTER 8

  That night, Alex’s briefcase lay untouched against the gold wingback chair in her room. An unfinished proposal called out to her but she continued to lie motionless on her bed, staring at the TV. There weren’t even any papers or a laptop skewed across the covers. Hey, maybe I am breaking habits this year. Now all I have to do is find a man.

  Alex switched channels and landed on Quincy Marx Tonight. She adjusted her pillow, as the interviewer introduced his guest for the evening. Quincy turned toward actress Roxie Miller after the intro.

  Roxie appeared calm and serene. Cheerful, even. She wore a cream blouse with a scarf draped around her neck and blue jeans. Quincy jumped right into the interview, asking her specifics about her baby.

  “Let’s talk about your wonderful new baby. What’s her name?”

  “Marie,” Roxie said, smiling.

  “That’s beautiful. How did you come up with it?”

  “It was my grandmother’s name.”

  “Your grandmother’s name? All in the family, huh?”

  “Yes.” She nodded.

  “How long have you wanted a child?”

  Roxie crossed her legs. “For a while. Several years. My life didn’t always allow for it.”

  “How is that?”

  “Booming career. A couple of years ago, I filmed two movies in one year. I was also making some guest appearances on Summer’s Lane. I barely had time to breath, let alone have a child. And then there was the issue of having no man.” She chuckled.

  “So, why now?”

  “It’s a better time all the way around.”

  “But your career is still good and you’ve said there is no man.”

  “Right but I’ve learned how to make some adjustments to my schedule and I’m ready now.”

  “Who is the father of your baby?” Quincy asked, leaning forward. Alex leaned forward with him.

  “I don’t want to say his name.” Roxie shifted in her seat.

  “Is it your co-star, Greg Long?”

  “I will not talk about the father of my child.”

  “Okay. Why go this route?”

  “Which route?” Roxie cocked her head to the side.

  “The route that would mean having and raising a child on your own?”

  “Oh, well. Simply, I wanted a child now.”

  “But you know people are criticizing you for it.”

  “I can’t live for the ‘people.’ I can only do what feels right for me.” Roxie leaned forward. “Look. I could wait five more years to meet the right man or I can do what I want right now. I chose not to leave my life up to fate.”

  Roxie’s words pierced Alex to the core. Roxie had received flack for her decision to have a child alone but the more she talked about it, the more Alex understood her position. Sometimes you have to make things happen for yourself.

  “Is there anything that you would like to tell someone who may consider becoming a single mother?” Quincy asked Roxie.

  “That no matter how scared you are, if you really want this, you can make it happen. I did it and I’m very happy with my decision.”

  Alex muted the show and stared at the screen. Although Roxie had disappeared, her confident and poised demeanor lingered behind. Alex and Roxie had two different vocations but they were fundamentally in the same situation. They both wanted a family. Roxie simply chose to take her dreams into her own hands. What was wrong with that? Nothing, in Alex’s opinion.

  Roxie didn’t really need a man in her life to have a child. She had more than enough to support the child financially. So did Alex. With forty right around the corner, she couldn’t wait forever. Not if she really wanted a child.

  Besides, why should she wait? Love? Roxie didn’t. The more she thought about it, this sounded like a viable option for Alex. She took comfort in the idea that even if her relationships bombed, all was not lost.

  Alex leaned her head against the headboard and closed her eyes. In spite of her alternative, sadness fell over her like a dark cloud. Before she could succumb to it, her phone rang. She looked at the phone as if it were an alarm. It rang again. She didn’t want to answer it but when it rung a third time, she decided to pick it up.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, Alex. It’s Nathan.”

  Alex sat up in her bed. I can’t believe he finally called. I thought he’d never call. Butterflies gathered in her stomach, while she glanced at her clock. Eleven thirty-two. “Hi. I wasn’t expecting anyone to call this late.”

  “Sorry. Is it a bad time?” Nathan asked.

  “No, I was just watching TV.”

  “Really? What were you watching?”

  Alex cleared her throat. “A news show.” She should not be talking babies right now. He did not need to know how desperate she had become
. “So, uh, what’s up?”

  “I wanted to touch base with you. I meant to call you a couple of days ago but I had a lot of things come up. I’ve been absolutely swamped,” Nathan said, sounding apologetic.

  She smirked. Nathan’s apology irked Alex a little. For all he knew, she’d been busy as well. Yes, thoughts of his impending call had lurked through her mind but she couldn’t let him assume his call mattered to her. She preferred to pretend she hadn’t even thought about it. “Me, too! I’ve been up to my hair follicles in work.”

  “I guess it’s that time of year, huh?”

  “Yep,” Alex said.

  “Well, I wanted to ask you if it would be all right…I mean. Would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?”

  A faint sense of resentment made her stall in accepting the dinner invitation. She couldn’t help wondering why he had taken so long to call her. Was he playing a game or did he really have something important to do? She toyed with the idea of turning down his invitation. But then she thought about her current patterns and habits and how badly she wanted to change them. She could turn him down but what would that prove? That she had a stubborn personality? She already knew that. Would she prove her feelings were still raw over the way things ended the last time? Thinking about it made her heart sink.

  After Alex didn’t respond right away, Nathan filled the empty sound with obvious self-doubt. “It’s okay if you don’t want to—”

  “Uh, no. I mean. Yes, I would like to go to dinner with you,” Alex interrupted him.

  “Okay. Great! Um, how does seven-thirty this Friday sound?”

  “Sounds good.”

  •••

  Alex stared at her computer screen, studying the words in her proposal. Thankfully, her concentration had increased and she was about three-quarters done. She hated to think that this had anything to do with Nathan’s call the night before. Yet, she couldn’t deny that she was finally focused without wondering when he’d call her. While in the middle of thinking of the next line in her proposal, her phone rang. She sighed and picked it up.

  “Alex? I need you to come down to my office,” Mr. Sims said, absent a greeting.